A - Available: Nope
B - Best Friend: I have a special few
C - Crush: James Franco
D - Dad’s Name: Russell Sherman
E - Easiest Person To Talk To: Reay, Skye, Austin, Sarah
F - Favorite Band: Incubus, Deftones, Alice In Chains
G - Gummy Bears Or Worms: Bears
H - Hometown: Victoria, B.C., Canada
I - Instrument: None, but I played the flute and cello when I was small
J - Job: I don't have one or want one
K - Kids: See Job
L - Longest Car Ride: Moncton, NB to Victoria, BC
M - Milk Flavor: Flavour? Just straight up milk is good.
N - Number Of Siblings: One
O - One Wish: To never have any regrets
P - Phobias: Elevators, Water currents
Q - Favorite Quote: ‘The snail shoots only when he needs to."
R - Reason To Smile: Austin
S - Song You Last Heard: Mezzanine - Massive Attack
T - Time You Woke Up: 8:45am
U - Unknown Fact About Me: I'm allergic to cats
V - Vegetable: Asparagus & carrots
W - Worst Habits: Smoking,
X - X-Rays You’ve Had: Head, Neck, Knee, Liver
Y - Your Favorite Food: Well my favourite food if I'm not eating at home is Noodle Box's Cashew Curry.
Z - Zodiac Sign: Sagittarius
Friday, December 25, 2009
Christmas
It's Christmas Day.
Last night I met all of Austin's friends at a Christmas Eve bonfire. It was such fun! I felt really comfortable with all his friends, as if I have met them already. It was really nice. Austin threw the "girlfriend" term around a lot when introducing me and everyone said they'd heard a lot about me, etc. He always had his arm around me or was holding my hand. I loved every minute of it.
We stayed at that party until about 3:00 am, and then we decided to go back to my place. I thought that we would be going separate ways, with it being Christmas morning and stuff, but neither of us had anywhere to be today until 11:30am so he came over. He's amazing.
This morning he gave me a million Christmas presents. My presents to him (two burned CDs of a band that he said he liked once) were soooo bad compared to his. He gave me some really nice coffee, my favourite chocolate (a fucking brick of it), a picture of a really hot girl covered in snakes (me being the confident sexy bitch that I am, loved it), and a coupon that he made that says:
"Austin Ticket - return this coupon for one free siamese fighting fish or some other fun, low maintenance pet of equal coolness - void in New Jersey"
He's so amazing.
I was all giddy because I totally didn't expect those presents and I kissed him and said thank you a hundred times and in my enthusiasm I nearly said I love you. It was a "You're so great, I love you!" moment. But I caught myself. Thank fucking god. And I dont love him. I don't think I do. I might. But I don't. No. It was just the moment, of him being so thoughtful and perfect. You know.
I went to Gran's house for the usual Christmas lunch and I helped her get everything ready for everyone to arrive and I had to deal with all the old people (who I normally love but they are getting so old and so hard to deal with) and Uncle Doug (who never stops giving me a hard time) but I did get to hang with my precious brother and my beloved parents. No, I do love everyone in our family, of course I do, I just... need to take them in small doses.
I have been absolutely fucking spoiled this Christmas. I'm not sure if I have ever had such a good haul of presents. And I was actually expecting nothing, and totally ok with that. Let me see what I got:
Liquor filled chocolates from Aunt Maurine and Uncle Doug (I'm gonna give those away)
From gran, some cute xmas towels and a day pass at Mount Washington.
From Mom and Dad:
Really awesome ski gloves
a new zip up
a cardigan
a gorgeous top
100$ at thriftys
40$ at Starbucks
an 80 minute massage at Brentwood bay
two new charms for my Pandora bracelet - a pig and a giraffe
new socks
Unreal.
So it's 5:30 now and I'm in bed. Austin and I definitely didn't fall asleep last night until close to 5am, and even then I kept waking up. I'm tired and full.
I also feel a little bit like I'm getting sick. I have a cough. I don't like it. Tomorrow I am going to be totally productive and I'm going to get some bananas and fruit and have a smoothie full of nutrition to help my immune system fight the bug. I also think I'm going to try going for a run, even if it's only for 20 minutes or so. Just because I smoke now, doesn't mean I can't run.
I have lost a lot of weight recently, I think I've said that already, but I look really amazing and I want to keep it off and so now that Christmas is over I have no excuse to pig out - I'm going to either not eat, or eat healthily. That's that.
I don't even want to run to lose weight or anything, I want to run because I enjoy it. It makes me feel good. So we'll see if I survive tomorrow.
I might see Austin tomorrow too, I guess I'll see how things go. And then in the evening I'm going to Hush. I'm supposed to see Paul tomorrow but I think I'll have to just tell him I'm sick.. and then see him later in the week. I have been double-booking myself all week and I feel like a turd but I just can't handle too many plans at once. I'm going to Hush with Sarah. That will be some good excersize too.
So during the day tomorrow, clean my nasty little house and run, play video games with Austin and his buddies, then go to Hush with Sarah. Sounds like fun!
Last night I met all of Austin's friends at a Christmas Eve bonfire. It was such fun! I felt really comfortable with all his friends, as if I have met them already. It was really nice. Austin threw the "girlfriend" term around a lot when introducing me and everyone said they'd heard a lot about me, etc. He always had his arm around me or was holding my hand. I loved every minute of it.
We stayed at that party until about 3:00 am, and then we decided to go back to my place. I thought that we would be going separate ways, with it being Christmas morning and stuff, but neither of us had anywhere to be today until 11:30am so he came over. He's amazing.
This morning he gave me a million Christmas presents. My presents to him (two burned CDs of a band that he said he liked once) were soooo bad compared to his. He gave me some really nice coffee, my favourite chocolate (a fucking brick of it), a picture of a really hot girl covered in snakes (me being the confident sexy bitch that I am, loved it), and a coupon that he made that says:
"Austin Ticket - return this coupon for one free siamese fighting fish or some other fun, low maintenance pet of equal coolness - void in New Jersey"
He's so amazing.
I was all giddy because I totally didn't expect those presents and I kissed him and said thank you a hundred times and in my enthusiasm I nearly said I love you. It was a "You're so great, I love you!" moment. But I caught myself. Thank fucking god. And I dont love him. I don't think I do. I might. But I don't. No. It was just the moment, of him being so thoughtful and perfect. You know.
I went to Gran's house for the usual Christmas lunch and I helped her get everything ready for everyone to arrive and I had to deal with all the old people (who I normally love but they are getting so old and so hard to deal with) and Uncle Doug (who never stops giving me a hard time) but I did get to hang with my precious brother and my beloved parents. No, I do love everyone in our family, of course I do, I just... need to take them in small doses.
I have been absolutely fucking spoiled this Christmas. I'm not sure if I have ever had such a good haul of presents. And I was actually expecting nothing, and totally ok with that. Let me see what I got:
Liquor filled chocolates from Aunt Maurine and Uncle Doug (I'm gonna give those away)
From gran, some cute xmas towels and a day pass at Mount Washington.
From Mom and Dad:
Really awesome ski gloves
a new zip up
a cardigan
a gorgeous top
100$ at thriftys
40$ at Starbucks
an 80 minute massage at Brentwood bay
two new charms for my Pandora bracelet - a pig and a giraffe
new socks
Unreal.
So it's 5:30 now and I'm in bed. Austin and I definitely didn't fall asleep last night until close to 5am, and even then I kept waking up. I'm tired and full.
I also feel a little bit like I'm getting sick. I have a cough. I don't like it. Tomorrow I am going to be totally productive and I'm going to get some bananas and fruit and have a smoothie full of nutrition to help my immune system fight the bug. I also think I'm going to try going for a run, even if it's only for 20 minutes or so. Just because I smoke now, doesn't mean I can't run.
I have lost a lot of weight recently, I think I've said that already, but I look really amazing and I want to keep it off and so now that Christmas is over I have no excuse to pig out - I'm going to either not eat, or eat healthily. That's that.
I don't even want to run to lose weight or anything, I want to run because I enjoy it. It makes me feel good. So we'll see if I survive tomorrow.
I might see Austin tomorrow too, I guess I'll see how things go. And then in the evening I'm going to Hush. I'm supposed to see Paul tomorrow but I think I'll have to just tell him I'm sick.. and then see him later in the week. I have been double-booking myself all week and I feel like a turd but I just can't handle too many plans at once. I'm going to Hush with Sarah. That will be some good excersize too.
So during the day tomorrow, clean my nasty little house and run, play video games with Austin and his buddies, then go to Hush with Sarah. Sounds like fun!
Scum
"I added Ken Horne today and saw you in his friends. what a mind fuck, Ha!"
From my ex-boyfriend Treason.
What the fuck?
Who sends that? I haven't seen him since 2005. Right after he punched me.
And on Christmas Day?
Fuck yoooouuuu and stay out of my life!!!
He hacked into my hotmail account eons ago so I'm a bit worried about him hacking into my Facebook account. I think I'm going to block him. I have no desire to begin talking to him again. I wish he would stay out of my life forever.
Seriously? Thats all he had to say? Fuck him. I was sort of hoping that by now he'd be either dead or in jail.
From my ex-boyfriend Treason.
What the fuck?
Who sends that? I haven't seen him since 2005. Right after he punched me.
And on Christmas Day?
Fuck yoooouuuu and stay out of my life!!!
He hacked into my hotmail account eons ago so I'm a bit worried about him hacking into my Facebook account. I think I'm going to block him. I have no desire to begin talking to him again. I wish he would stay out of my life forever.
Seriously? Thats all he had to say? Fuck him. I was sort of hoping that by now he'd be either dead or in jail.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Saggitarian New Moon
Apparently right now is a new moon for Saggitarius and that means new beginnings for me. Wonderful. I like them all.
Some new things for me to work on:
Ask myself every single day: Am I being true to myself?
Am I doing what's best for me?
Am I thinking with my head or am I thinking with my heart?
From now on, I am going to listen to my friends' advice, especially in regards to love. They are all such amazing strong people, and love me so much. I am going to feed off of their energy and wisdom in order to grow as a person and to create a beautiful life for myself.
Someone said to me today, that you need to always be true to yourself because in the end, you're the only one you die with. You can't take anyone with you.
I am focusing on being happy with myself, by myself, and enjoying my own company.
I think that some alone time might be due. Some inner focus. It'll have to wait though, I've got a busy week coming up:
Monday: Possibly visiting the most amazing person in the whole world, Paul. Austin in the evening.
Tuesday: Jessica, and a movie with Aaron in the evening. Skye might be coming to stay with me indefinitely.
Wednesday: Reay and sewing projects
Thursday: Austin in the evening, not sure about the day. Probably more sewing though.
Friday: Xmas, obviously.
Saturday: Boxing day dancing crazyness at Hush. Much needed.
Sunday.... Austin.
See, I am spacing out when I see him. Apparently it's a good thing to do. I don't WANT to do it, and I'm afraid to do it, but all of my super amazing friends say it's a good thing to do, so, there you go. Spacing out. But on Sunday I might stay in bed with him forever. So, yeah.
I don't even really want Skye to come stay with me because I want Austin to stay with me. But no, I need Skye, and she needs me. Chicks before dicks.
And it's a good thing, right? Yes, it's a good thing that I'm spacing it out. Yes. Yes it is.
I hate it though.
Some new things for me to work on:
Ask myself every single day: Am I being true to myself?
Am I doing what's best for me?
Am I thinking with my head or am I thinking with my heart?
From now on, I am going to listen to my friends' advice, especially in regards to love. They are all such amazing strong people, and love me so much. I am going to feed off of their energy and wisdom in order to grow as a person and to create a beautiful life for myself.
Someone said to me today, that you need to always be true to yourself because in the end, you're the only one you die with. You can't take anyone with you.
I am focusing on being happy with myself, by myself, and enjoying my own company.
I think that some alone time might be due. Some inner focus. It'll have to wait though, I've got a busy week coming up:
Monday: Possibly visiting the most amazing person in the whole world, Paul. Austin in the evening.
Tuesday: Jessica, and a movie with Aaron in the evening. Skye might be coming to stay with me indefinitely.
Wednesday: Reay and sewing projects
Thursday: Austin in the evening, not sure about the day. Probably more sewing though.
Friday: Xmas, obviously.
Saturday: Boxing day dancing crazyness at Hush. Much needed.
Sunday.... Austin.
See, I am spacing out when I see him. Apparently it's a good thing to do. I don't WANT to do it, and I'm afraid to do it, but all of my super amazing friends say it's a good thing to do, so, there you go. Spacing out. But on Sunday I might stay in bed with him forever. So, yeah.
I don't even really want Skye to come stay with me because I want Austin to stay with me. But no, I need Skye, and she needs me. Chicks before dicks.
And it's a good thing, right? Yes, it's a good thing that I'm spacing it out. Yes. Yes it is.
I hate it though.
Choices
Isn't it funny how people tell you what they really think far too late?
Example No. 1:
I dumped my boyfriend of 3 years last month, and only after I dumped him did I hear from EVERYONE (from family members to aquaintances) that they hated him and always wondered what the hell I was thinking. Not one person actually came out and told me what they really thought about him while I was with him.
And of course you can't see these things for yourself when you're IN a relationship, because you're inside it. You can't see it from the outside. I feel like for the last 3 years I was a fish in a fishbowl, swimming around just doing what I thought was what I was supposed to be doing, with everyone else in my life looking in at me through the glass and seeing the distortions that I really couldn't see. Why didn't they tell me they saw them?
I don't really feel like I WASTED three years though... Not exactly. I learned a lot. And I'm in a place in my life now that I LOVE, and I really can't be sure that I'd end up in this same place of happiness and content if I hadn't been with Sizimus Minimus for all those years.
I live with no regrets.
Example No. 2:
I recently lost a noticeable amount of weight. I don't think I was ever fat (at least I didn't), but since losing weight (without trying) my face is thinner, my arms are thinner, my legs, my waist... my entire body is thinner. I feel amazing and I love it. How did I do it? I started smoking again when I decided to dump Minimus (because I only quit to shut him up) and I found things to do other than eat. Anyways, the point is, now that I'm thin(ner), I keep hearing from everyone funny little comments such as, "Oh my god, your face isn't fat anymore!" and, "Hey, you've lost your thunderthighs!"
When the fuck did I have thunderthighs? And my face wasn't that fat, was it?
Ugh, note to self: no food and numerous carcinogens > thunderthighs and a fat face.
I am unemployed by choice, and am on break from college right now. School begins again on January 6th and I can't wait.
I live alone in the city of Victoria on Vancouver Island. I love this Island and it will be my body's final resting place if I can help it.
I am frustratingly indesicive about some things, and can make very firm and smart decisions about other things.
Firm and smart decision: dump Minimus because I'm not in love with him.
Frustratingly undecided decision: biology? mechanical engineering? biomedical engineering? physics? ARRRGH!!
It's 2:30 pm on a Sunday and I'm still in bed. Makeup all over my face. Sweaty and slimy skin. Headache from too many cigarettes and not enough food or water. Fuzzy disgusting teeth from coffee and not brushing them. Hair is huge and curly and everywhere.
Since breaking up with Minimus, I have spent more time in bed in a month than I ever have before. It's not because I'm sad. I don't miss him. I didn't even cry during the whole divorce. Seriously, not one tear. So why am I in bed? I'm not sure. I think because I'm lazy... and have nothing else to do... and it's winter and in winter I always want to stay in bed. Oh, and because I'm addicted to Dexter and I've been watching it on my laptop nonstop for a week. I hate it, it's so hard to watch, but I just can't stop!!
I don't even feel like my life is that different post-Minimus. As in, I don't feel like there's anything missing. I think that I sort of expected there to be a hole where he used to be. After three years of living together, you'd expect that, right?
But there's no hole. The only things that are different are that the dishes don't get done as often, there's less laundry for me to do, I don't ever have to worry about being around his insufferable oxygen-thief of a mother anymore, and that I am having a LOT more fun doing whatever the hell I want and only worrying about myself.
I don't miss him in any way whatsoever. There's nothing that he did that I could miss. He never kissed me, never cuddled or hugged me, he didn't even like to hold my hand. He didn't do anything special for me ever. No random acts of kindness. Nothing memorable. What is there to miss? Nothing.
Which is nice, for me.
What about love, though?
I didn't love him. And I was still a hundred times more affectionate than he was, and he actually loved me.
I did love him at some point. But I fell out of love with him. I can't pin point when but I think it was January of 2008, because that's when my usual feelings of possessive jealousy evaporated, and I no longer gave a shit about what he did or anything. I am normally a somewhat-jealous girl. Disclaimer: not in a crazy way. Just in a protective way. When that left, I thought that I was just mature and confident in our relationship. But... maybe I was wrong.
Right now I'm finding it very easy to tell when I'm not in love, but I'm curious. How do I know when I am in love? I can't remember. How do you know? What the hell is love, anyway. Just super-strong infatuation? Maybe thats just what I've only ever been in. Maybe I've never even been in love. My mom doesn't think I've been in love. But what does she know?
I tend to fall fast for people. I meet them and within 2 months I'm "in love". I don't want that to happen again. What is the right time-frame to fall in love in? 6 months? a year?
If I can't help it and I fall in love too fast, you can be assured, I wouldn't admit it to ANYONE let alone my love-victim. I could barely admit it to myself.
Love is stupid and annoying.
Love is a conscious choice, too. It is. Don't act like it's not. You decide who you want to be with. Theres plenty of people who you can be with. Some of them would be ok, and some of them would rock your world. It's up to you to choose who you want.
I could have married Chad. And I could have lived with that. I could have been married to him for until I die.
But would I ever have felt alive again? Would I have been happy, or would I just exist and carry out my role and wife and do what I'm "supposed" to do until my body gave up?
This is how I know you can choose who you love. Some feelings you can't fight and I agree with that, but you can choose who you love and who you spend the rest of your life with. Not easily, obviously, but you can choose. You choose everything about yourself, and your life.
I could have chosen to marry him, and just exist forever. But instead I chose to feel alive, and reclaim my independence, and lead a more reckless life full of unknowns rather than a life of certainty and security.
In other news, below is my latest dilemma.
I am always affectionate with everyone. I have never needed space in my entire life. I could hurtle through life entangled with someone that I truly love, through the good and the bad, and the idea of personal space would never cross my mind. Is that weird? I am clingy and needy and desperate for attention. Is that bad? Do I need to change that? Maybe I don't need to change it but I do need to get a hold of it and keep it under control. Hmm, there's a thought.
Example No. 1:
I dumped my boyfriend of 3 years last month, and only after I dumped him did I hear from EVERYONE (from family members to aquaintances) that they hated him and always wondered what the hell I was thinking. Not one person actually came out and told me what they really thought about him while I was with him.
And of course you can't see these things for yourself when you're IN a relationship, because you're inside it. You can't see it from the outside. I feel like for the last 3 years I was a fish in a fishbowl, swimming around just doing what I thought was what I was supposed to be doing, with everyone else in my life looking in at me through the glass and seeing the distortions that I really couldn't see. Why didn't they tell me they saw them?
I don't really feel like I WASTED three years though... Not exactly. I learned a lot. And I'm in a place in my life now that I LOVE, and I really can't be sure that I'd end up in this same place of happiness and content if I hadn't been with Sizimus Minimus for all those years.
I live with no regrets.
Example No. 2:
I recently lost a noticeable amount of weight. I don't think I was ever fat (at least I didn't), but since losing weight (without trying) my face is thinner, my arms are thinner, my legs, my waist... my entire body is thinner. I feel amazing and I love it. How did I do it? I started smoking again when I decided to dump Minimus (because I only quit to shut him up) and I found things to do other than eat. Anyways, the point is, now that I'm thin(ner), I keep hearing from everyone funny little comments such as, "Oh my god, your face isn't fat anymore!" and, "Hey, you've lost your thunderthighs!"
When the fuck did I have thunderthighs? And my face wasn't that fat, was it?
Ugh, note to self: no food and numerous carcinogens > thunderthighs and a fat face.
I am unemployed by choice, and am on break from college right now. School begins again on January 6th and I can't wait.
I live alone in the city of Victoria on Vancouver Island. I love this Island and it will be my body's final resting place if I can help it.
I am frustratingly indesicive about some things, and can make very firm and smart decisions about other things.
Firm and smart decision: dump Minimus because I'm not in love with him.
Frustratingly undecided decision: biology? mechanical engineering? biomedical engineering? physics? ARRRGH!!
It's 2:30 pm on a Sunday and I'm still in bed. Makeup all over my face. Sweaty and slimy skin. Headache from too many cigarettes and not enough food or water. Fuzzy disgusting teeth from coffee and not brushing them. Hair is huge and curly and everywhere.
Since breaking up with Minimus, I have spent more time in bed in a month than I ever have before. It's not because I'm sad. I don't miss him. I didn't even cry during the whole divorce. Seriously, not one tear. So why am I in bed? I'm not sure. I think because I'm lazy... and have nothing else to do... and it's winter and in winter I always want to stay in bed. Oh, and because I'm addicted to Dexter and I've been watching it on my laptop nonstop for a week. I hate it, it's so hard to watch, but I just can't stop!!
I don't even feel like my life is that different post-Minimus. As in, I don't feel like there's anything missing. I think that I sort of expected there to be a hole where he used to be. After three years of living together, you'd expect that, right?
But there's no hole. The only things that are different are that the dishes don't get done as often, there's less laundry for me to do, I don't ever have to worry about being around his insufferable oxygen-thief of a mother anymore, and that I am having a LOT more fun doing whatever the hell I want and only worrying about myself.
I don't miss him in any way whatsoever. There's nothing that he did that I could miss. He never kissed me, never cuddled or hugged me, he didn't even like to hold my hand. He didn't do anything special for me ever. No random acts of kindness. Nothing memorable. What is there to miss? Nothing.
Which is nice, for me.
What about love, though?
I didn't love him. And I was still a hundred times more affectionate than he was, and he actually loved me.
I did love him at some point. But I fell out of love with him. I can't pin point when but I think it was January of 2008, because that's when my usual feelings of possessive jealousy evaporated, and I no longer gave a shit about what he did or anything. I am normally a somewhat-jealous girl. Disclaimer: not in a crazy way. Just in a protective way. When that left, I thought that I was just mature and confident in our relationship. But... maybe I was wrong.
Right now I'm finding it very easy to tell when I'm not in love, but I'm curious. How do I know when I am in love? I can't remember. How do you know? What the hell is love, anyway. Just super-strong infatuation? Maybe thats just what I've only ever been in. Maybe I've never even been in love. My mom doesn't think I've been in love. But what does she know?
I tend to fall fast for people. I meet them and within 2 months I'm "in love". I don't want that to happen again. What is the right time-frame to fall in love in? 6 months? a year?
If I can't help it and I fall in love too fast, you can be assured, I wouldn't admit it to ANYONE let alone my love-victim. I could barely admit it to myself.
Love is stupid and annoying.
Love is a conscious choice, too. It is. Don't act like it's not. You decide who you want to be with. Theres plenty of people who you can be with. Some of them would be ok, and some of them would rock your world. It's up to you to choose who you want.
I could have married Chad. And I could have lived with that. I could have been married to him for until I die.
But would I ever have felt alive again? Would I have been happy, or would I just exist and carry out my role and wife and do what I'm "supposed" to do until my body gave up?
This is how I know you can choose who you love. Some feelings you can't fight and I agree with that, but you can choose who you love and who you spend the rest of your life with. Not easily, obviously, but you can choose. You choose everything about yourself, and your life.
I could have chosen to marry him, and just exist forever. But instead I chose to feel alive, and reclaim my independence, and lead a more reckless life full of unknowns rather than a life of certainty and security.
In other news, below is my latest dilemma.
I am always affectionate with everyone. I have never needed space in my entire life. I could hurtle through life entangled with someone that I truly love, through the good and the bad, and the idea of personal space would never cross my mind. Is that weird? I am clingy and needy and desperate for attention. Is that bad? Do I need to change that? Maybe I don't need to change it but I do need to get a hold of it and keep it under control. Hmm, there's a thought.
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