Choices

Isn't it funny how people tell you what they really think far too late?
Example No. 1:
I dumped my boyfriend of 3 years last month, and only after I dumped him did I hear from EVERYONE (from family members to aquaintances) that they hated him and always wondered what the hell I was thinking. Not one person actually came out and told me what they really thought about him while I was with him.
And of course you can't see these things for yourself when you're IN a relationship, because you're inside it. You can't see it from the outside. I feel like for the last 3 years I was a fish in a fishbowl, swimming around just doing what I thought was what I was supposed to be doing, with everyone else in my life looking in at me through the glass and seeing the distortions that I really couldn't see. Why didn't they tell me they saw them?
I don't really feel like I WASTED three years though... Not exactly. I learned a lot. And I'm in a place in my life now that I LOVE, and I really can't be sure that I'd end up in this same place of happiness and content if I hadn't been with Sizimus Minimus for all those years.
I live with no regrets.
Example No. 2:
I recently lost a noticeable amount of weight. I don't think I was ever fat (at least I didn't), but since losing weight (without trying) my face is thinner, my arms are thinner, my legs, my waist... my entire body is thinner. I feel amazing and I love it. How did I do it? I started smoking again when I decided to dump Minimus (because I only quit to shut him up) and I found things to do other than eat. Anyways, the point is, now that I'm thin(ner), I keep hearing from everyone funny little comments such as, "Oh my god, your face isn't fat anymore!" and, "Hey, you've lost your thunderthighs!"
When the fuck did I have thunderthighs? And my face wasn't that fat, was it?

Ugh, note to self: no food and numerous carcinogens > thunderthighs and a fat face.

I am unemployed by choice, and am on break from college right now. School begins again on January 6th and I can't wait.
I live alone in the city of Victoria on Vancouver Island. I love this Island and it will be my body's final resting place if I can help it.
I am frustratingly indesicive about some things, and can make very firm and smart decisions about other things.
Firm and smart decision: dump Minimus because I'm not in love with him.
Frustratingly undecided decision: biology? mechanical engineering? biomedical engineering? physics? ARRRGH!!

It's 2:30 pm on a Sunday and I'm still in bed. Makeup all over my face. Sweaty and slimy skin. Headache from too many cigarettes and not enough food or water. Fuzzy disgusting teeth from coffee and not brushing them. Hair is huge and curly and everywhere.

Since breaking up with Minimus, I have spent more time in bed in a month than I ever have before. It's not because I'm sad. I don't miss him. I didn't even cry during the whole divorce. Seriously, not one tear. So why am I in bed? I'm not sure. I think because I'm lazy... and have nothing else to do... and it's winter and in winter I always want to stay in bed. Oh, and because I'm addicted to Dexter and I've been watching it on my laptop nonstop for a week. I hate it, it's so hard to watch, but I just can't stop!!

I don't even feel like my life is that different post-Minimus. As in, I don't feel like there's anything missing. I think that I sort of expected there to be a hole where he used to be. After three years of living together, you'd expect that, right?
But there's no hole. The only things that are different are that the dishes don't get done as often, there's less laundry for me to do, I don't ever have to worry about being around his insufferable oxygen-thief of a mother anymore, and that I am having a LOT more fun doing whatever the hell I want and only worrying about myself.
I don't miss him in any way whatsoever. There's nothing that he did that I could miss. He never kissed me, never cuddled or hugged me, he didn't even like to hold my hand. He didn't do anything special for me ever. No random acts of kindness. Nothing memorable. What is there to miss? Nothing.

Which is nice, for me.

What about love, though?
I didn't love him. And I was still a hundred times more affectionate than he was, and he actually loved me.
I did love him at some point. But I fell out of love with him. I can't pin point when but I think it was January of 2008, because that's when my usual feelings of possessive jealousy evaporated, and I no longer gave a shit about what he did or anything. I am normally a somewhat-jealous girl. Disclaimer: not in a crazy way. Just in a protective way. When that left, I thought that I was just mature and confident in our relationship. But... maybe I was wrong.

Right now I'm finding it very easy to tell when I'm not in love, but I'm curious. How do I know when I am in love? I can't remember. How do you know? What the hell is love, anyway. Just super-strong infatuation? Maybe thats just what I've only ever been in. Maybe I've never even been in love. My mom doesn't think I've been in love. But what does she know?
I tend to fall fast for people. I meet them and within 2 months I'm "in love". I don't want that to happen again. What is the right time-frame to fall in love in? 6 months? a year?
If I can't help it and I fall in love too fast, you can be assured, I wouldn't admit it to ANYONE let alone my love-victim. I could barely admit it to myself.
Love is stupid and annoying.
Love is a conscious choice, too. It is. Don't act like it's not. You decide who you want to be with. Theres plenty of people who you can be with. Some of them would be ok, and some of them would rock your world. It's up to you to choose who you want.
I could have married Chad. And I could have lived with that. I could have been married to him for until I die.
But would I ever have felt alive again? Would I have been happy, or would I just exist and carry out my role and wife and do what I'm "supposed" to do until my body gave up?
This is how I know you can choose who you love. Some feelings you can't fight and I agree with that, but you can choose who you love and who you spend the rest of your life with. Not easily, obviously, but you can choose. You choose everything about yourself, and your life.
I could have chosen to marry him, and just exist forever. But instead I chose to feel alive, and reclaim my independence, and lead a more reckless life full of unknowns rather than a life of certainty and security.



In other news, below is my latest dilemma.

I am always affectionate with everyone. I have never needed space in my entire life. I could hurtle through life entangled with someone that I truly love, through the good and the bad, and the idea of personal space would never cross my mind. Is that weird? I am clingy and needy and desperate for attention. Is that bad? Do I need to change that? Maybe I don't need to change it but I do need to get a hold of it and keep it under control. Hmm, there's a thought.